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Just Call Me Jess

Mood Disorders and Mindfulness

September 15, 2019

How Poor Boundaries Affect Mental Health

Last year, I had poor boundaries and my mental health was severely affected. So I decided-finally- to set boundaries and stick with them.

I did the work for people to achieve goals instead of giving them the tools to do it themselves. I would become stressed out, anxious and overall irritable! The only thing I knew to do was to control what I could.

Before, I was able to set effective boundaries, I had to learn why it was important to do so. If you have poor boundaries your mental health will be affected! How do poor boundaries affect your health? I am glad you asked!

How Poor Boundaries Affect Mental Health:Your stress will increase.

When you continuously put others needs above your own, you are not getting what you need. I often inform others that if you are a cup full of nothing eventually will not be beneficial for others. The worse case scenario: your cup gets filled with stress, obligation, unmet expectations, irritability, frustration… and that is what you are pouring into the other individual. 

Watch one of my favorite Ted Talks: Sarri Gilman on “Good Boundaries Free You”

With increased stress comes many mental and physical health issues. Stress causes high blood pressure, hair loss, anxiety, irritability and depression. When you become stressed, your cortisol level increases and affects your ability to function properly. High stress can cause shrinking in the brain which can impact your memory and learning. 

Yes it is that serious!




How Poor Boundaries Affect Mental Health: Your relationships will be frustrating

Boundaries are the limits we set on ourselves and others within a relationship, you are able to say no and open up in a healthy way. When you have poor boundaries you do not have limits for yourself and have difficulty saying no. 

You will likely have frustration within your relationships as you will often feel overextended and like there is nothing left for yourself. By that I mean that you have no energy, no motivation or drive to care for yourself and your future.

It becomes frustrating to care about a person more than they care for themselves. What is interesting is that the more you do for someone, the more you are setting an expectation and enabling their behavior.

If I am used to you washing my clothes, my dishes and fixing my food, I will become accustomed to it and expect it.

Since I expect you to do it, I am no longer going to do it. 

how poor boundaries affect your mental health text over a girl with mickie mouse ears on

How Poor Boundaries Affect Mental Health: You will lack self care

Poor boundaries with others-as stated before- will leave less for you. Think of your cup (you are the cup) and you are filling it with stress, poor self care habits, poor boundaries and the like. What do you think you are pouring into others? 

You should mean more to yourself. As a professional helper, I totally get it. We want to see individuals in our life do the best. The issue with that is: we see potential not reality. When we see potential we put our lives on hold to help others.

Did that even sound right? You lack care for yourself!

So How Do I Set Healthy Boundaries?

Know Your Limits

When setting your boundaries, you must know around about where they need to be placed. I say “around about” because initially your boundaries will not be exactly right for you. You will need to know what your limits are and what you are willing to be lenient on. Once you know your limits and where to begin setting your boundaries, you need to… 

Be Consistent

When initially setting your boundaries many people will not be happy. I cannot blame them, I would be unhappy as well. If I became dependant on you behaving or allowing behaviors and then it changes it would be a difficult change to make. 

What makes things more difficult, is when you are inconsistent. When I do not know what to expect from you, I will consistently keep pushing your boundaries, until I get what I want. When you are consistent, I know what to expect and will not try repetitively to push your boundaries. 

Be Firm

If I push your buttons enough you will give me what I want or need. However, when you are firm on your boundaries, I will come to respect what it it. Individuals who do not respect your boundaries need consistent firm reminders that you are not going to tolerate it. When someone disregards your boundaries they are disregarding your feelings. Remember, if you have no boundaries you have nothing left for you (or what is left is not good). 

What are some boundaries you are having difficulty setting? How can I help?

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Filed in: Mental Health • by justjess18 • 22 Comments

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Comments

  1. Athena

    September 15, 2019 at 1:36 pm

    I still struggle with boundaries, but I am learning to set them and keep them. It’s hard but being self-aware and checking in with myself really helps to keep me on track. This was a good read and a good reminder to set those boundaries to why we should stick to them.

    Reply
    • justjess18

      September 15, 2019 at 1:46 pm

      I think we all having difficulty with boundaries at times. However, you’re right we have to check in with ourselves and ensure we are okay with what is happening. Thanks for reading love

      Reply
  2. Lisa M Alioto

    September 15, 2019 at 5:57 pm

    Inspirational! great article!

    Reply
  3. Paige

    September 15, 2019 at 8:54 pm

    Great info! For most, learning to set boundaries comes with age & experience.

    Reply
    • justjess18

      September 15, 2019 at 11:38 pm

      For me it was definitely experience. Thanks for reading love!

      Reply
  4. Beth Gray

    September 16, 2019 at 2:11 am

    I’ve been in that place of people-pleasing as opposed to taking care of myself and my relationships. Loved this!

    Reply
  5. Baroness Buttercup

    September 16, 2019 at 6:05 am

    I’m fortunate to be at a place in my life where I’ve surrounded myself with healthy relationships, so setting boundaries isn’t a big issue for me anymore. But it’s definitely something I struggled with in my younger days. This is a great post with a lot of good advice and information!

    Reply
  6. Jennifer Van Haitsma

    September 16, 2019 at 10:56 am

    Setting boundaries is definitely something I have had to learn over the past few months. I feel amazingly better!

    Reply
    • Natasha MacFarlane

      September 19, 2019 at 12:32 am

      It is hard to set boundaries for sure. Great article.

      Reply
      • justjess18

        September 19, 2019 at 1:20 am

        It definitely is. I will probably write a part two to this! Thanks for reading

        Reply
  7. Tamara | The Gutz Life

    September 16, 2019 at 12:27 pm

    I am really good at taking too much on and being walked all over! I really struggle with this. I worry that when I set boundaries I come across as difficult, or a b*tch. I wish I could be comfortable doing what I need and not concerned with what others think of me.

    Reply
    • justjess18

      September 19, 2019 at 1:25 am

      Normally when we worry about being negatively labeled for setting clear boundaries, it is a sign that we need to set them. If you need help let me know!

      Reply
  8. Alisa Russell

    September 16, 2019 at 4:17 pm

    This is wonderful! I need to do some of this work myself. Thanks for the encouragement!

    Reply
    • justjess18

      September 19, 2019 at 1:24 am

      Don’t we all! Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  9. Chocoviv

    September 16, 2019 at 4:30 pm

    It is hard for me to set up boundaries as an adult as I was brought up to listen and to follow my elders…soon I discovered that I was being taken advantage of and pushed to do more and more….I was being surrounded and bullied by people who were suppose to be my guides…As I grew stronger and setting up more boundaries, these people say that I am selfish and mean…I said, this is who I am all this time and i refuse to be pushed around…

    Reply
    • justjess18

      September 19, 2019 at 1:23 am

      That is so important! What is ironic about your situation is that overtime those same individuals will come to respect you. They will also begin to learn your predictable behaviors and know what they can or cannot get help with from you

      Reply
  10. Kelly

    September 18, 2019 at 12:40 pm

    This is a great post. Still very much learning myself as I am doing my dream job and find it hard to say no.

    Reply
    • justjess18

      September 19, 2019 at 1:21 am

      Understandable since we are taught to “kiss a**” to make it to the top

      Reply
  11. Danielle Scott

    September 30, 2019 at 6:36 pm

    Growing up around people with no boundaries taught me how important they are. They are difficult to set and it does make waves but it is worth the wave it creates for your own peace of mind. What a fantastic blog

    Reply
    • justjess18

      October 3, 2019 at 12:27 am

      Thank you!

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. An Easy Guide For Surviving the Holidays When You’re Mentally Ill - Just Call Me Jess says:
    July 22, 2020 at 7:51 pm

    […] two solid months of interacting with people. This can unfortunately be triggering for those with mental illness.  Personally, it is hard to talk to family all night long at gatherings. It’s uncomfortable […]

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  2. 10 Simple Things You Must Do To Let Go Of The Past & Have A Positive Life - Just Call Me Jess says:
    November 5, 2020 at 11:17 am

    […] of the past by leaving a person or place in the past. Choose to improve your life, choose you! Here are some tips for setting boundaries with […]

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JESS

JustcallmeJess

As a licensed social worker working in an adult community mental health center in the South, Jess seeks to spread awareness and educate those who may otherwise never gain mental health information.

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