When I let my thoughts wander I wonder if a part of my mind will always be stuck in the dark or if I’ve really changed. Lately I’ve found myself smiling but there are still some days I hear the echo of demons screaming my name.
The noises go away and lie dormant for a week or two. But it seems like remaining secluded isn’t what they’re meant to do. Every time they cry out I can’t help but listen closely. Every time I let them in I find myself slipping and becoming more lonely.
When more voices start to enter my head so do the questions. I wonder if I can ever fully break free from something with as tight of a grip on my wrist as depression. I wonder if living in shadows and darkness for years has really ever taught me a lasting lesson. I wonder if the voices in my head are actually bringing to light my most feared confessions.
Anxious voices bicker at a pace so persistent. They seem to grow stronger when I grow more resistant. I wish the pure thoughts outweighed the poor ones on a basis more consistent. Deep down I succumb to the idea these demons will always break through my walls with a work ethic so insistent.
I put on a mask in the morning to convince the world I’m okay. My soul knows my anxiety controls the manner in which I behave. A tight chest, two eyes stressed and one cerebrum exhausted from no rest are three things felt when I know I belong to them as a slave. Take a trip with me to look in further to what they actually say.
You realize you’re not unique or special right? Do you realize our fingers will always be interlocked as I hold your hand tight? If you ever get to hold onto a piece of happiness recognize it’s only for a night. Because no matter what you envision the future holding, I’ll always control your sight.
I feel like I should help you come to terms and fully recognize your worth. There’s no difference made on this earth whether you continue walking or decaying six feet in the dirt. I can feel the pain you felt when I said that but sometimes the truth hurts. You can cry on my shoulder and wipe your tears on my shirt.
I wanna hear you say it out loud you know that you’re average and can’t make a difference. I want you to admit that the picture in your head of you living with a soul broken and dead is a definite inference. It’s an accurate prediction, an immaculate description of exactly where you’re headed. Dissolve this truth in your head until it’s permanently embedded.
The skin that you’re in is material you should despise. The way it stretches and folds are things better off disguised. You’ll never have a body in which you feel prized. There’s so many different parts of you that would look better if they were revised.
You’ve been cursed with a brain so brutally broken. Even right now you’re falling victim to words that only you can hear spoken. Yet you’re still caught off guard at the empty void you awoke in. Your weakness and vulnerability are the reasons you were chosen.
Feel how easy it is to throw your dreams in the ditch. Feel how effortless it is to fall in the first time your anxiety makes you twitch. Each time you feel a moment of freedom, understand it’s just a glitch. This way of life that you’re living is something you’ll never switch.
Genuine love is a notion you can’t have from other human connections. You’ve never been loved no matter how far back you search through your recollections. Don’t waste your time scavenging for affection. The journey will only lead you back in my direction.
I hope you know, despite where you go, we’ll always be there. Whether you’re on your own or surrounded by loved ones who care. Whether you’re near or far, here or there. I’ll always be at your side to strip your soul bare. There’s never any freedom when you’re under my care.
Give in to my power and please take my hand. There’s no need and no way for you to outrun my plan. Each time you avoid me you only let my power expand. I’ll always find a way to bury you in the sand.
Come and join me in this familiar void. Don’t try to avoid all that I have in store. No matter how much energy you spend fighting, I’ll always have more. You can’t quiet me, you can’t silence my roar. You can’t escape this prison, I’m always on the other side of the door.
You know what should happen? You should put an end to all of this. You should fly away now because, admit it, you’ll be hard to miss. Look death straight in the eyes and admit you’re curious about the taste on his lips. This is the only way for you to ever reach full bliss.
Mackenzie is a freelance writer and poet from the Green Bay, Wisconsin area. She focuses her creative energy on formulating stories that describe the various emotions and experiences felt when going through the struggles of mental health issues. After years of falling victim to anxiety and depression, it is her goal to write stories that are easy to read and understand for any reader, whether they have personally experienced struggles with mental health or not. To find more of her work, you can visit her website as well as follow her on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.